And What a Maneuver, Right Here on Monday Night Raw!

Grainy video quality as Bam Bam Pigelow walks down the aisle. Chucking his arms up in the air and roaring for some reason. Horrendous ‘heavy’ ‘rock’ ‘music’ thunders through the crowd at the Manhattan Centre. It’s 1993, and tone-deaf Bam Bam’s gruntingย his name on his own intro music.

What’s this? Forgettable Jobber’s being given a half-arsed introduction moments before Bam Bam punches him in the head and knocks him down for far too long.

Camera angle changes just as BAM BAM’S COMING OFF THE ROPES WITH A CLOTHESLINE AND OH WHAT A MANEUVER RIGHT HERE ON MONDAY NIGHT RAW.

Headbutt, and WHAT A MANEUVER. BOTCHED HEADBUTT OFF THE ROPES, AND DEVASTATING MANEUVER.

Vince knowing full well Bam Bam is incapable of performing maneuvers of any kind.

Who knows if Forgettable Jobber will ever recover from this one? That’s what you would be wondering if Bam Bam hadn’t already lazily mounted FJ for the pin, less than 2 minutes into this earth-shattering WHAT A MATCH-UP on Monday NIGHT RAW.

Promotional Consideration Paid For By The Following

… CHIPS? … give you the power of hulkamania … NEEDALITTLEXCITEMENT … you gotta wannit … SOLD SEPARATELY, DIG IT … ?

Shallow Radio One-Liners Regrettably Paid For By Vince

It looks like Yokozuna needs to spend less time at the sushi bar and more time at the salad bar.

I see.

This is more embarrassing than that time [a scandalous pop culture event of the early ’80s] happened.

I see.

*Elvis impersonation* I love Doink, he makes me laugh. He makes me laugh. I love Doink, he makes me laugh… Thank you very much.

I see.

Who’s he borrowed his clothes from? [a forgotten gay icon of the 1970s]?

I see.

Furthermore, Maneuvers

Vince is obviously digging it oh yeah โ€” Radio Presenter’s fucked off, and onย the left is The Brain.

LOOK OUT FROM BEHIND!

In all Vince’s years in wrestling he’s never seen a maneuver the likes of whichever maneuver happened most recently.

Off-color remark is followed up instantly by racy remark. Oh Mr. Heenan, asย Bobby says that’s what he’s been hearing every night from the Raw girls, right on the cusp of blurting out something that isn’t for the kiddies whilst heavily implying the majority of wrestlersย in the ring are jobbers.

Questionable Native American remark, why the fuck has Lex Luger taken a ham-fisted face turn, and make sure you tune in next time on MONDAYNIGHTRAW (it’s gonna be wild oh yeah).

Space landscape-obsessed dreck penman. Appears on TechCrunch, The Next Web, and on Secret Cave in a far less restrained capacity.