INTERNET STANDOFF: DJ Douggpound vs. Lee Tyrrell (SCP Mini)

When I spoke to Doug Lussenhop last month, we got into a surreal internet standoff. It all started innocently, with a conversation about the addiction we all have to our phones. It’s true that all too much of our time is spent scrolling through infinite news feeds. Personally, I could be far more productive than I am by simply turning off my phone. We’re all guilty of it in certain respects, with Lussenhop combating it by spending dedicated time, in the sticks, away from social media. For me, as someone who needs to learn lessons in a similar fashion to a hamster, more direct incentive is necessary. I’m confident that I’m not the only one either, with so many of us viewing life through a screen.

Together, Lussenhop and I developed a potential solution, extreme as it may be. What if your phone were to emit an electric shock whenever you tried to use it in a certain period? Upon completion of some set task, the shock would deactivate and you would regain access to the online labyrinth we all so regularly traverse. Essentially, I thought, the idea is a good one. My contribution was to suggest that its harsh punishment would likely make it unable to pass health and safety regulations. At this point, I got myself in on the idea. Inspired, we jumped in – perfecting our promising concept with the addition of piercing noises and pepper spray.

Suddenly, the realisation dawned. This concept is likely yet to be an official patent. At first, it seemed a race was on; whoever could reach the patent office first would control all the profits. Lussenhop was kind enough to remind me that the entire conversation was being recorded for a podcast, which dampened my plans to steal all the money for myself. When I considered that I have the power to edit the conversation out, and threatened him with such action, he pulled his e-gun on me. Perhaps, he proffered in some bizarre twist, I was on his podcast all along. Thus, in a standoff mirroring those of the best Quentin Tarantino movies, Lussenhop and I sat poised, and poker-faced…

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