Glitching Through a Forest Biome, Minding Your Own Business on Day One

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So, you’re glitching through the freshly generated hillsides of a Forest Biome, and out of nowhere you hear this weird groaning sound. Spinning around, you go from standing to crouching to standing, checking whether you’re being Hunted, but before you know, there’s Putrid Girl and you better believe it because she’s letting out Preset Groan #2. “What the fuck did you just say to me?”, you respond, getting really indignant at this point. She’s making a mathematically direct path towards you. You’re pulling out Wooden Club.

Keeping one Club’s distance, you start precisely whacking her in the head and making the exact same impact noise every time, gliding forwards and backwards delivering measured whacks. Knocking her out and delivering a staggering 3x Stunned Damage Bonus on that thing a few times, you end it with the grace of a gentleman by rifling through her carcass and pocketing a Can of Peas and a few Large Bones for good measure.

The moment you’re done looting her, she’s a pile of bones and blood on the floor, and you’re rolling on foot again over the hillside, happy, healthy, and 71% Hydrated, making your way to City.

You realize your Wooden Club might not cut it if you were to come up against anything worse than Putrid Girl. Unless you could get ahold of Wooden Bow, you could get ended by Infected Police Officer, coming up to you, thinking he’s all that while projecting bile great distances. With that thought in mind, you instantly start punching the floor, ripping grass to shreds and absolutely going to town on it. Pure fury and respawn anxiety powers you to pummel useful material out of any tree in sight.

Thankfully, it’s only Day One, and 6 seconds later you’ve managed to craft a Wooden Bow without incident. In the slowly rendering distance, you notice a Pig scurry around the roadside. Wondering what in the piss that imbecile is up to, you draw back the old bowstring, crouch and line up a savage one, letting the Arrow loose and landing a jackpot shot in the Pig’s neck that gets it trotting off, repeatedly vocalizing Squeal #1 as its programming barrels it into nearby Foul Trash piles. Another shot, and the Pig is really starting to feel like something’s up. But holy hell are you in for a good one because this Pig’s gone and done it, hasn’t he. He’s stuck in the Murky Water of the river, spinning around and Squealing #1 as you go utterly feral on it with the Wooden Club.

Taking a deep breath to appreciate the masterful slaughter, you open your backpack and use Putrid Girl’s Large Bone to whittle yourself a nice little Bone Shiv and start harvesting the Pig. As you repeatedly shiv the Pig’s carcass, you fill your backpack with Animal Fat, and Raw Meat. At this point you’re just over the bloody moon to have got your hands on some scran, and you don’t care that you’re Emitting Smell.

You instinctively know that it’s going to get dark in exactly 2 hours. You take a mathematically direct path back through Forest Biome, passing the Bones and Rotting Flesh of Putrid Girl and narrowing your eyes wistfully, wondering if you’d ever know what she’d fucking said to you as you open Secure Wood Door of Farm House and crouch near Camp Fire, eyes wide open all night, afk.

Space landscape-obsessed dreck penman. Appears on TechCrunch, The Next Web, and on Secret Cave in a far less restrained capacity.